I was going through my old MySpace comments and I came across this one.
We had gotten into a fight and I wasn’t talking to you. So you left this a few hours before you took your life along with a voice mail and a hand written note.
I never got to say goodbye or tell you that I’ll always love you too.
It’s been 6 months, a whole 6 months. I just realized but it feels so much longer than that.
It’s only been a week but I still can’t believe you’re not here anymore. I keep trying to shut out my real emotions and dark thoughts about missing you but at night I can not escape them. Ever since that horrible phone call, I haven’t been able to shake you from my mind. I keep on thinking about how I could have saved you and spent more time with you. I miss those Summer nights, I miss your smile and your laugh, it was contagious. Whenever I’m by myself in silence, I think about you. I think about how you were the greatest friend, you really deserved the world. The thing is that you did your job in life, you changed mine and you brought so many smiles to everyone’s faces.
I don’t know if it’s because you we’re here, I don’t know if it’s because you’re gone but either way it feels a little bit strange not having you around.
Every time I hear “Jesus Christ” by Brand New I cry. I keep thinking a little too much about you. I keep seeing you in my dreams, just lying there in your casket and right when it begins to not be my main thought I get this reminder that you are really gone.
Everything sucks and I miss you.
You taught me how to be strong, how to hold my head high. You said you’d always be there for me and I know you don’t lie. You’re the reason I believe in myself and the reason I get through each day, because I know you’re out there, hoping I’m living my life the right way.
You left the world this morning and while you might now be around anymore, you’ll always be here.
I whispered the words “I love you” to the sky yesterday and hoped that the wind could somehow carry them to you, but I know they can’t and I know I’ll forever be reminded by the way I never got to say goodbye.
Trying to grasp the pain, hold on with a grip so tight, hands shaking from weakness, but I just have to feel all right.
His smile was my daily drug. It got me through each day and now that he’s gone, I can’t wish this pain away.
So I’ll stare out the window and watch trees pass me by, just hoping to see his face from a moment back in time.
Maybe one day, I’ll find peace from somewhere deep inside and then I’ll hold onto that until I really do feel all right.
These were taken the day of your funeral.
The first one is the paper they give everyone who walks into the ceremony. It has all the information about who the service is for and for the service in general.
The second one is your school picture. It was one of the many pictures they had of you and it’s almost been one of my favorites because it shows off your best qualities, that hair and that smile.
The third one was taken right after they put your coffin into the ground. I was one of the few who noticed that it looked like the sky was opening up to welcome you into a new life.
I know I’m pretty late into this but I’ve discovered that the only time I’m okay and at peace with what happened is when I write to you. So that’s why I made this, it’s like my way of talking to you and keeping you up to date with everything that’s happening down here.
It may sound lame to some people, but we all have our own ways of coping and dealing with things and writing happens to be mine.
